You’ve seen her around. I KNOW you’ve seen her around. She was almost at “local” status. Years ago, you saw her bellied up to the bar at O’Shucks. You saw her glowing in the corner. You saw her making various appearances at Sundance parties and films. She was all OVER the mountain. She knew all the trails. She knew how to communicate. She was the life (and many times, the laugh) of the party. Last night, tragedy struck.
It all started so innocently. A little early 90s ski movie action, Aspen Extreme (if you haven’t heard of this, you can stop reading now). I put my best foot (and costume) forward. I knew this would be my kind of ski porn. The kind of movie that gets me jazzed for all that winter has in store. Did I mention it was NUKING outside too? Thanks Mo’Nat (she was on it!).
I got a ride to the movie, forgetting my two beers in the freezer. AAAHHHHH!! Luckily my friend had my back offering me an icy cold PBR when the film started. I drank it. It was delicious as always. Then, in my attempts to be a responsible citizen, I placed the empty can, in the coozie, in my bag. “Hey Lish, want another?” he said. “Nah, I’m good,” I answer.
We all hooted and hollared during the film. Afterwards, I reached into my bag to grab my phone and I felt it. It was wet and it smelled like beer. I tried to hide the confusion and panic rising in my chest. I pulled my phone out. It was soaked! I saw I had a few text messages and then it happened. The screen went white. Huh, that’s weird. She’s never done that before. Realizing, slowly what was about to unfold, I casually mentioned it to my friend. “Hey I think my phone was sitting in about a tablespoon of PBR for the last hour and a half. It won’t turn on.” At that point, most people were heading to another friend’s house for a beer. “Ok, maybe I’ll see you there,” I say. Knowing full well I had to get home. NOW! My girl needed me. She needed to be taken apart and put in some rice to dry out and get back to herself. I busted it home and ripped open the pantry. I DON’T HAVE RICE!!! Hmmmm…… I have quinoa. Same thing right? I fill a small bowl with quinoa, take the battery out, lay the phone open and submerge her. Then, I start the waiting game. I am sitting there staring at the bowl, sending my positive vibes through the grain, into the phone. It was like watching a pot boil. PAINFUL!!! I took it out after a few minutes and put it together. Nothing but white. Then I notice that the quinoa is getting lodged in places that are probably helping the situation. Crap! What are my options?? I look again. Steel Oats. That will be good! So I quickly swap out the quinoa for steel oats and begin the process, again. Watching that ol’ pot boil. Nothing… SIGH. I get into bed and settle in for a fitful night of sleep. How is this going to play out if the worst happens. What is she never comes back? What if she’s gone forever? I didn’t take the time to back her up. I have so many memories with her. So many photos, special texts and phone numbers of people I just don’t need! What am I going to do? Never mind the fact that my parents are flying in tomorrow and I don’t even know their phone numbers or flight information! “I’ll just text you,” my mom says. Great! Usually.
The next morning I get up. It was a bad dream I know it. I just know it! I dig her out of the oats and begin to piece her back together. Here goes…power. Verizon comes up on the screen. YES!!! I knew it! Success! Then, the white screen. No way! It’s done! That ungrateful jerk of a phone. Eight years of my life I gave to her! Eight years and this is the thanks. I wasted about 2 cups of quinoa and 2 cups of steel oats on her too. Did I mention they were both ORGANIC? Seriously???
Then I started to rehash the night. I did make a joke at the beginning that I was going to use her as part of my costume. Maybe that set her off? Maybe the fact that I used to pretend to talk to Siri through her? Maybe the fact that I would say “Have you ever seen one of THESE?” and whip her out, tossing her onto the table. Maybe the fact that I told my friend’s daughter it was the new Iphone 6 when asked “what IS that?” Maybe all these little jabs just finally did her in. We lost a ski bum tonight. She’s gone. She was a good friend. She was faithful. She was a really great communicator. However, anyone who is gonna drown in a tablespoon of PBR isn’t really cut out for Park City. SO today I enter the 21st century. I got a smart phone. I felt nervous and giddy, kind of like a first date. I picked one that’s waterproof (PBR proof) and “durable” (yeah right). Did I mention that I kept her? The old one. The flipper. Yup. I figure the white light she provides when I put the battery in is the flashlight app I always wanted.
Farewell to arms flippy. I’ll miss you on the mountain. I’ll miss you as my party trick. Enjoy the other side…
